With props to Cesar Milan for his excellent post on dealing with a hyperactive dog, I give you:
5 Tips for Calming a Hyperactive Liberal
Hyperactivity is a problem with many possible causes and solutions. Here are some simple techniques you can try at home to work to calm your boisterous liberal:
- Ignore the behavior! Liberals seek attention from you. By paying them that attention during hyperactive outbursts, you’re reinforcing the very behavior that you’re trying to eliminate. The next time your liberal is jumping or nipping at you in an overexcited way, give it a try — no touch, no talk, no eye contact — and see how you fare. You might be surprised how quickly the hippie settles down.
- Give your liberal a job! Having a task to focus on can help tremendously. Hyperactivity can come from psychological needs as easily as it can from physical needs. By giving your liberal a job to do, you are removing him from his state of hyperactivity and redirecting his energy elsewhere. The task should have a clear beginning and end, and should never be considered a replacement for physical exercise. Which brings us to…
- Go for a walk! If your liberal has a lot of built-up energy, a really vigorous walk is another excellent way to redirect it where YOU want it to go. Once you’ve burned that extra energy away, your liberal should be pleasantly exhausted and too tuckered out to jump and nip. Without that frustration, he’ll find it much easier to relax.
- Check your own energy! Your liberal is your mirror. Any energy you project, he will reflect back. Are you in a calm assertive state of mind? Are you projecting a confident energy? Are you stressing out over an argument, or burdened with the worries of the work week? Nervous or anxious moods can translate into nervous or anxious body language or tones of voice, and can affect the energy of your liberal.
- Try out aromatherapy! Don’t forget that liberals experience the world primarily by scent! Just as the smell of lavender is said to relax human beings, a soothing smell can also have a very calming effect on your tree hugger. A stranger’s money usually works well, but try not to overdo it, as he will quickly acquire a sense of entitlement and start taking it from others for himself.